Recipes for the World 2026

4.5 billion years ago, in the space that we now call Earth, was nothing. Or what appeared to be nothing to the untrained eye. If one looked close enough, they could see a red tinge bending perfectly around what appeared to be a dark circle of nothingness, devoid of stars, galaxies, and all light. This seemingly blank space was the original mixing bowl of the Earth, surrounded by an infinite pantry, complete with infinite ingredients.

For a million years, the black hole did nothing, observing its surroundings carefully, searching for ingredients like a Michelin-starred chef in a market for the perfect cut of meat. And then one day, it found all of its ideal ingredients. Time for the first step, the black hole thought. Immediately a gigantic asteroid, weighing around 6x10^24 kilograms, was pulled helplessly towards the event horizon. It was perfect for the Earth, so the black hole thought, as it was composed of what is now known as our core, mantle, and crust. However, unknown to the black hole, along with it came a seemingly small green rock weighing around 10^14 tonnes, an unwanted ingredient in the perfect recipe. It was harmless for now, but would one day be responsible for millions of deaths.

With the first step done, the black hole moved on to the second. The black hole immediately pulled a nebula, specifically one made out of 2.6x10^21 litres of oxygen and 2x10^21 litres of water, perfect for supporting the future life forms on Earth. However, along with it came other, not-so-perfect gases, such as carbon dioxide and methane, unbeknownst to the black hole.

Thinking that the Earth was now ready for the final step, the black hole used its immense strength to pull a dash of something from another universe, something that was not matter, something intangible, something that is life. Life in its purest form, ready to inhabit any planet that it was set loose on, the perfect garnish for the perfect recipe. However, trailing behind it, inadvertently connected was something else entirely, not good, but not evil. It clung onto life like a child to its mother. This something was chance, the unpredictable, the unmeasurable. The black hole tried voraciously to untangle this unknown element from disrupting its perfect recipe, but it was no use, as it, like all the other ingredients, was sucked into the mixture.

The black hole immediately condensed involuntarily and warped and combined until it eventually became the Earth, with chance as its future.

INGREDIENTS:

• People. A whole lot of people.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Upon reading this, I duly informed the author that perhaps the concept of "people" ought to be elaborated upon. He disagreed, on the grounds that "anyone who reads this book is clearly very intelligent and is surely astute enough to distinguish a person, between, say, an elephant". Suffice to say, I disagreed, and have thus been asked to inform you that, under the event you feel patronised by the author, would you please direct your complaints to me at editorsrus@gmail.com).

• Thus I begin my "elaboration" on people:

• Dictators (especially if they have those really large moustaches - I do love a good moustache). The number of dictators is a strongly deliberated point. One does not want too few - too dull - but too many, and they have no one to dictate to. I suggest seven.

• Democratic Leaders: Similar to the above, moderation is key. In the event of too many, one loses will to live out of sheer boredom. Too few, and no one lives. 

(EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point, I felt that it was my duty to inform the author that my brother-in-law's uncle's cousin's son is a Prime Minister, and really, it's rather disrespectful to insult the humble upholders of our democracy.)

• People who believe in truthful politicians - add sparingly.

• People with too much money.

• People with not enough money.

• People who complain that they have too much money to their butlers. Plural.

• Those long-suffering butlers.

• People Who Actually Care - there are very few of these, and generally they are too well-meaning and insufferable to be either interesting or important. Not too many.

• People Who Don't Care - you'll need to add more than you think.

• People Who Say They Don't Care But Actually Do - none. Too angsty.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point, I enquired as to how long this list of people was, and when he told me it was upwards of a thousand, I told him to get on with it. He told me he wouldn't say "I'll told you so.")

• People who say that they won't say "I'll told you so" then do. Often. - As many as you have. These are the best sorts of honest people.

• Everyone else. ‍

(EDITOR'S NOTE: After the author finished up on people, he told me he was rather confident that he'd covered everything worth covering, because who needs plants, or animals, or water, or sunlight? Naturally, I disagreed with him. He came back to me not long after, and told me that upon reflection, he found he agreed with me. Perhaps people do really change?)

• Guns that cause violence - the bigger, the better, am I right?

• Guns that prevent violence - very different things, I assure you.

• Nuclear weapons - because nothing helps me sleep better at night than the knowledge that if I die due to nuclear bombing, through the wonders of mutually assured destruction, the enemies I've never met nor thought about will also be dying a horrible death, and that I can now go onto the afterlife satisfied).

• [REDACTED]: Quite a bit, because nothing makes me more [REDACTED] than [REDACTED].

(EDITOR'S NOTE: He continued in this fashion for quite some time, until I threatened to drop the publishing deal.)

• Money: never enough.

INGREDIENTS

• DIRT

• SEEDS x 2 MILLION

• WATER

• SAPLINGS

• GRASS

• BUILDINGS

• VEHICLES

EQUIPMENT

• JUG

• BOWL

• ROUND MOULD

• BUTTER KNIFE

METHOD

1. PUT 9000000000000000000000000 KILOGRAMS OF DIRT INTO A MIXING BOWL

2. ADD THE SEEDS AND MIX

3. ADD SOME WATER

4. MIX

5. PUT INTO THE MOULD

6. WAIT 5 MINUTES

7. TAKE OUT AND MOULD SOME STREAMS

8. PUT SOME WATER IN THE STREAMS

9. DO THE SAME WITH OCEANS

10. ADD BUILDINGS AND VEHICLES

COMPLETE!!!!!

Equipment:

X1 A neighbour’s b-day

X5 Some sort of candles

Ingredients:

X1 A rocket ship

X1 Eyelashes

Method:

To make the Earth, you will need to give your neighbour a last-minute birthday present and later that day you will give your neighbour a birthday cake and candles that are Chanukkah candles because you don’t have any birthday ones. Ask your neighbour if they can make their wish to get a Miniaturising gun because you were so nice to bring the cake, and they will say yes. Fly to space and shoot the gun at the Earth and it will appear in your hand but smaller. Fly back to Earth and put the mini Earth in the oven until it’s fully baked. Now pick off an eyelash and wish for a Biganator gun and shoot it at Earth so it becomes its normal size.

Ingredients:

iPads, pools, water, cucumbers, tomatoes, meatballs, iPhones, iced tea, Roblox, hot chips, mangoes, medicine (if we get sick), laptops, pies, pancakes, 1000 marshmallows, chickens, lemonade, planes, bandaids (if we get hurt), hotels, beaches, diesel-running cyber trucks and ovens.       

Equipment:

• A huuuuuuge sphere that can open

• A very big giant oven 

Method:

Put everything into the huuuuuuge sphere, then put it into the very big giant oven, then set the temperature to 521 degrees, then cook it for 1000 years, then get it out of the very big giant oven, then put it on a stick that spins.